Sporks and Wives: The Sue Hunt
by TwentyRings
Summary: Across all Universes, a threat has been spreading from a realm unknown, and it is up to The Doctor and River Song to save not just their timeline, but everyone's... Parody fic, with multiple crossovers including but not limited to Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, etc.
1. Storming the Cage

**A/N: Finally, my first Doctor Who fic! Although this one features the Eleventh Doctor, it is hard to keep the Tenth out of my mind while writing him. Ten is really my Doctor, but I couldn't use him here as River is heavily featured.**

**This is a parody fic, so don't get irritated by the sheer ridiculousness please.**

**This story contains SPOILERS for Series 6 of Doctor Who. It takes place around the same period of the Night and the Doctor (NOT 'Night of the Doctor') miniseries. Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

The TARDIS engines vworped gently as the blue box began to materialize in the prison cell. The Doctor frowned, and reached across the console and tugged at a lever, turning the parking brake off. Much as he loved that sound, alerting the guards really wouldn't do much good. Not that it mattered much anyway, he thought as he strolled down the steps towards the door. River had broken out of here hundreds of times... or was it dozens few times at this point? He paused to look at the date on a nearby monitor. Hundreds it was then.

He paused at the door, ran his hands through his hair, straightened out his new purple bow tie, and turned the handle.  
The Doctor frowned. The cell was empty.

* * *

River Song was getting impatient. The Doctor had told her exactly when he would pick her up, and what with the tightened security and smaller cell she had recently been given, it would be just her luck if the TARDIS decided to land a decade too late. Just as she considered going back inside the facility, the gates burst open and through them came that wonderful blue box, spinning wildly as it flew through the air, finally touching down a few feet before her. The door opened and the Doctor stepped out, grinning madly. "Hello River. Hope I'm not late."

"Hello sweetie. You may want to step back inside, those guards don't look very happy."

Sure enough, two angry guards bearing weapons were running towards them, while a third was sitting down staring straight at a spoon in his hand, with an intense stare and a lipstick smudge on his face. The Doctor pulled River into the TARDIS and closed the door behind them.

"Why weren't you waiting outside the gate? Last time you told me that I had agreed to that the time before," River said with a trace of irritation in her voice.

"Well, it would appear that this time is the time before, and your last time still hasn't happened for me. River, I propose we should meet outside the gate from now on as opposed to your cell."

"Oh, certainly if you insist sweetie," River replied with a smug smile.

* * *

"Well, now that you're here we should probably start on the... on the thing I had planned." The Doctor said happily.

"And what sort of thing have you got planned for tonight?"

"Something different, something very different. Let's just say that an extremely rare trans universal portal is open for the first time in millennia, making dimensional travel that much easier, giving us the unique opportunity to a bit of spring cleaning, so to speak."

"Spring cleaning...of the entire Universe?"

"Oh River...the Universe is just the beginning. No, we're talking the entire Multiverse."

* * *

The Doctor was rooting through a storage panel on the TARDIS console while explaining his idea to River.

"Basically, think of the multiverse as a very large neighborhood with millions of of houses, and in every single one there is something absolutely different going on, except...actually this metaphor is rather good and I'm going to stick with it."

River rolled her eyes, "Why is it taking you so long to find what you need in that tiny compartment?" she asked, as the Doctor threw out a rubber duck, a burnt out sonic screwdriver, and a white hat.

"It's bigger on the inside," the Doctor explained, "Anyway, in every house there are billions of rooms, and in each one there is something very slightly different going on. for instance, in one of the rooms I am doing exactly this, in another room I may be using a much worse metaphor, and in another house, the universe may be ruled by a sentient purple dinosaur."

"I...think I follow you," said River slowly, ducking as a copy of 'The Time Traveller's Wife' came flying at her.

"Now, on the outskirts of this neighborhood there is...say an outhouse. Rats come crawling from here into all the houses and infest some of the rooms, but nobody can get rid of them until the outhouse door is open."

"And that's the trans-dimensional portal you were talking about earlier. You want to send the rats from whence they came."

"Exactly! Well, sort of. They're not really rats, I'm actually being generous with that comparison."

"Are they evil?"

"Not exactly, just manipulative, lying, corrupting, vain, self-obsessed...let's just call them evil. They're called Mary-Sues. The don't belong in our multiverse, and it's my responsibility, as someone who can, to send them back, utilizing their only weakness...This!" He reached into the compartment and pulled out what looked like a spoon with tines.

"A spork," River said unimpressed, "You pulled that out at a convenient time."

"Well, I actually found it two minutes ago, but I decided to save it for a more dramatic reveal. Anyway, we're going to need a lot more than just one, so to the TARDIS attic! Or was it TARDIS basement. It's not like either of them are at the top or bottom anyway."

"Doctor, can't we just visit the Medusa Cascade? Or Disneyland Clom? Or anywhere else?!"

"Nah, this should be fun!" The Doctor tucked the utensil into his pocket, and headed down the corridor towards the attic/basement.  
"Let's hunt some spork!"

* * *

**This was originally intended to be a much shorter OneShot, with an OC and the Tenth Doctor, but the seed of that idea blossomed into an enormous tree before I could type it out, so this is Chapter 1 of a new series, I'll probably alternate between updating this and Elementary on weekends, unless I get enough time to do both. Pleas, please please leave an honest review, and PM me with any questions/plot ideas.  
Special thanks to Mibamonster for the spork idea, and a special mention in Chapter 2 for whoever spots the most references in this one. Until next time then,  
TwentyRings**


	2. Mistake-ten Identity

After a successful hour-long search, The Doctor and River Song returned to the TARDIS console room armed with about fifty Sporks between the two of them.

"So, I assume you can't use the same Spork twice," River said.

"No, you just sort of poke them with it, and both of them vanish. Sucked back into their own dimension," The Doctor replied.

"So, what exactly makes these Mary-Sues so dangerous?"

"Well, you see, while they don't exactly terrorize people, or anything, they have a huge arsenal of their own kind of weapons. Perception fields, hallucinogenic pheromones, hypnosis rays, the lot. The reason they are so dangerous is because they have a tendency to gravitate towards major points in time, causing important moments in history to be changed completely. Let me show you an example."

* * *

The Doctor led her to one of the large screens attached to the console, twiddled a knob and flicked a few switches. A video recording flickered onto the screen. It showed a rather familiar figure in a long tan overcoat staring confusedly at a large castle in the background.

"Oh, that's one of you!" said River excitedly, " Eight... no Ten, right?"

"That's right. At the time, I had found a rather old invitation to a banquet in Edinburgh Castle from a Scottish Lord nearly five regenerations ago. I decided to just pop by to see how it turned out without me, but I had no idea that the TARDIS had been caught in a slipstream and had dimensionally shifted."**  
**

**"Hang on, this place looks different from last time," **The Doctor on the screen was saying.

"I love the way you pretend there's someone to talk to, even when there isn't" River said with a smile.

"How would you know anyway?"

The smile grew wider. "Spoilers."

"**Ah, life forms**," continued the Tenth**, **strolling towards a group of people in black robes."**And human too, excellent!**"

He approached them and tapped the shoulder of a dark haired boy facing away from him. "**Don't mean to bother you, but could you tell me where I am exactly?**"

'**Oh, you're at Hogw-**" The boy had turned around and his hazel eyes widened with shock when he saw The Doctor's face."**Hang on- but that's not possible, you can't be-**" He swiftly pulled a wooden stick out of his pocket, and began shooting some kind of red light at the Doctor, who had already begun to run. "**It's Barty Crouch!**", the boy exclaimed, causing the others around him to follow suit. Suddenly, the screen went blank.**  
**

"Now that's when one of those energy pulses hit the TARDIS camera, and the two didn't mix very well. Took me a week to get it repaired. But you get my point?"

"No, not really."

"Okay, so he may have been a bit paranoid. But then the TARDIS took me a few year in the future and I discreetly found out that he was a wizarding student named Harry Potter, he defeated an extremely dangerous Dark Lord, and that he really was a nice guy once you get past the violent tendencies," The Doctor's eyes were rather distant, as he showed her several images of a magnificent banquet hall, some black robed students in a classroom and an old man with a long white beard. "It was actually a pretty cool story, even if it did take a bit of time to hear it all."

"Still not getting it."

"Oh aren't you?" The Doctor grinned and pulled a lever, causing the temporal engines to whir. "Let me show you what became of him in one particular alternate..."

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Please please leave a review to tell me what you thought.  
****TwentyRings**


	3. Leather Jackets and Pink Sweatshirts

Once again, the TARDIS materialized on Hogwarts grounds. However, everything looked slightly different. Small things, like the colour of the grass (more yellow) or the size of the lake (smaller).  
The Doctor didn't exit however, he turned to River Song, "Just give me a moment. I should probably change first." He walked out of the console room and down one of the corridors.

River frowned. The Doctor never bothered changing out of his tweed suit and bow-tie. He returned in a few minutes, looking absolutely ridiculous in a pair of baggy black pants, a baggy black t-shirt, and an extremely baggy black leather jacket. He paused, scratched his back, and then pulled off a clothes tag with a large number 9 on it. Rver was absolutely speechless for a few moments, and then she burst out laughing.

"You... you look like a punk! Please don't tell me that's eyeliner!"

"Well, I was hoping you would say 'goth', but punk might do the trick. Anyway, I'll have you know I looked very fetching in this about two hundred years back."  
He pressed a few keys on the console, and a picture of a short haired man with a prominent nose and ears wearing the same outfit (minus the eyeliner) popped up on a nearby screen.

"Well... that is quite nice. The ears are a bit funny though." Then she looked back at the current Doctor, and burst out laughing once again.

* * *

The Dr stroled out of the tardis and made his way towerd a group of goffs in blak t shirts and holy jeans, who were laughing at a prep in a pink swetshirt. River stroled behind him, still chrotling.  
"Hey, u know its not nice to make fun of ppl" the dr was angy.  
"Dr, wot's going on wif us?" river asked, turning pal.  
"Its the sue, she must be nearbye"

Dr who taped on the sholder of one of da goffs. He terned around and it was...  
"Hary Potter!" River was shoked. He had same face as the boy on the scren in the tardis, and glases, but with red streks in his hare, red eyes and his scar was a pentagram. the amount of eyeline'r made the dr look tame.  
"mi name's not harry, its vampire potter. wats rong with u stupid prep!

"omg" river was shoked into silence(silence, geddit?). "dr how did the sue do this mcuh?"  
"that's the thing. They dont have full mastry over r languages, and it spreads. some r worse than others." the dr replied, "see, u an me r already talking strange, its 1 of the first symtoms, but normally not so strong. must be a powerful sue, and i think its..her  
He ponted at a goff girls. Sudenly his eyes glazed over and he said, "shes the 1 with long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reach her mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and she looks a bit like Amy Lee...Amy! Amelia!"

* * *

Suddenly the Doctor was alert. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a plastic utensil and charged straight at the girl with ebony hair. Her droopy blue eyes immediately narrowed as she spotted the "weapon" in his hand, and she suddenly screamed, "oms! every1 hes not a goff hes just a poser!"  
The entire group, minus the crying girl in the pink sweater, immediately ran at the Doctor, trying to stop him from getting any closer to the 'girl' they all adored. Even River, her eyes hazy, took a few half-hearted steps in the Doctor's direction before realizing what she was doing.

The Mary Sue's voice was just a hiss, but the Doctor had struggled his way close enough to be able to hear. "theres no way u can stop me...timelord!"

"Don't you understand? You're far too powerful for a human, or even wizard society! You get the whole school under your thumb and then what? What about this Dark Lord? Take a look at what you've done to the real Chosen One!" Vampire Potter had seized the Doctor's jacket with his teeth and was yanking at it.

The Sue smiled, "oh the schools just the beginig timelord. And we have temporal powres as u know. I know i will defeat the dork lord"

"Do you really? How far does this future knowledge of yours go? You are about to kill the Dark Lord, then the rest is undecided, still in flux. So do you _really_ know what will happen? You could die. I'm offering a way back home instead."

The alien hesitated, then snarled, "wat else cud happen? theres no way im going back. I am stayin, and u will die."

Suddenly, a blast echoed through the air, and everyone save the Doctor backed away, startled. River had just fired a bolt from her gun into the air.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said quietly, looking the creature right in the icy blue eye, "But you just lost the luxury of choice."  
He thrust out his arm, the Spork made contact with the Sue's shoulder, and both vanished in a sudden burst of white light and a shriek of fury.

* * *

"What on earth..."

"Merlin's pants, did I really.."

"What am I _wearing_?"

The Doctor coughed loudly, and everyone stopped talking to look at him. "Well, erm, I'm not very good at this, but you all have had a very traumatic experience. However, not to worry, since I've cleared up the temporal disruption, your timeline should slowly rejoin the Prime, and you really don't get what I'm saying, so just know everything will be back to normal in no time."

A girl whose hair was turning slowly from black to a natural bushy brown raised her hand, "Actually, I do have a grasp of basic temporal mechanics, thanks to the time turner I once had."

"A time turner eh?" The Doctor smiled. "You seem very interested in time travel, and intelligent too. How would you like to-"  
River cut him off with a glare.

"Well... never mind" The Doctor winked at the girl before leaving. "Perhaps some other time."

* * *

The Doctor held open the TARDIS door for River, and followed her in. No sooner had he shut the door when the question popped out of his mouth.  
"So... wasn't that fun?"

River sighed. "Before I answer, _please_ change out of those clothes and promise me you will never, ever wear them again."

* * *

**A/N: First Mary Sue vanquished! I know, it was Ebony from the infamous My Immortal. While I will try to use original Sues in most of the other chapters, this was an opportunity too good to pass. My Immortal is universally recognized as either reallybad!fic or troll!fic, making it fair game either way. Which universe should the Doctor and River visit next? Tell me in the comments, please!  
****TwentyRings  
****P.S: do u no how dificult it is to pul of writin like this intentionaly? it nerly gave me a hedache.**


	4. Heads will Fly

**A/N: Part two of my two-month Anniversary sort-of extravaganza. Yep, that's right, The Doctor and River are back! The setting of this chapter was suggested by both Moonfur ADV and tommyginger. Also, I have given all the previous chapters actual names, since that is more fun.**

* * *

"Mildly amusing" River said.

"Extremely exhilarating." The Doctor replied.

"Fairly interesting."

"Breakneck exciting."

"Probably better than a prison cell."

"Far better than that picnic last week."

"Nope. And besides, it was last year for me."

"You always have to have the last word, don't you?"

"Yes. Should have realised that before you married me." River smiled, realising she had won. Again. "But, I'm keeping an open mind. Lets give it another go, somewhere different this time."

"I guess I should probably keep it a surprise in that case."

"Oh sweetie." She gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "I know things about you that you yourself don't know. I love you, and care for you deeply, but I don't think you could ever surprise me."

"Oh really?" He asked quietly. His hand moved into his pocket, and he felt the second sonic screwdriver he carried all the time. He had designed it by himself, but for the first time ever, not for himself. Physically it resembled his previous model, but it was far more advanced. He didn't want to give it to River ever, that would be signing her death warrant. But he knew he had to someday. And the worst part was, he didn't know when. He didn't know when the two of them would turn their diary pages together, and find that they had done all there was to do, save one last trip together. It could be in a hundred years. It could be the very next day.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" River was looking curiously at him.

"Oh, I'm the King of Okay. I was just thinking about where to pick up lunch."

"But it's the middle of the night here!"

"Yes I was talking about, er, midnight-lunch as opposed to noon-lunch. Either way, you may want to get changed. Think futuristic, space-y kind of outfit. The TARDIS should have plenty your size."

"See what I mean? So predictable."

* * *

Fifteen and a half minutes later, The Doctor and River Song were standing outside the TARDIS.

He was wearing his usual tweed suit and bow-tie.

She was wearing high heeled boots, black shiny pants, a silver shiny shirt and a black shiny jacket. She had a silver belt round her waist, in which she had tucked in several fancy looking gadgets, including her pistol and squareness gun. She held a pair of silver shades in her hand.

They were standing on a large, open plain. The sky was cloudy, but a rich blue colour. The grass was golden. In the distance, a large group of horsemen could be seen riding away. Nearby was a still smoking mound of burnt corpses, with hideous bodies and leering faces.

River turned to the Doctor. The sun reflected off her shirt, causing her to resemble a giant light bulb. "I hate you."

The Doctor grinned. "No you don't."

* * *

Two horses were approaching them. They had not come from the large group they had seen earlier, but from the same general direction. The first horse was white in colour, upon it rode a fair faced man (probably) with pointed ears, and a much shorter fellow with a large brown beard. The second horse was ridden by a tired, weary looking man. However beneath that exterior there was still a hint of nobleness and dignity.

So focused were the trio on the mound of bodies that they barely even noticed the Doctor and River. It was only a few seconds after they had passed that they must have realised what they had seen, as they suddenly checked their steeds and turned them round.

"Hello!", The Doctor called towards them, waving his arms excitedly. They horses cautiously trotted towards them, but the riders did not disembark.

* * *

Aragorn looked down upon the strangely dressed man and the even more strangely dressed lady beside him.  
"Who are you, and what is your business in the Riddermark?" he demanded in his most commanding voice, feeling a strange sense of irony.

"I'm the Doctor., and I'm... travelling. And this is my wife, River Song," the man replied.

"Oh, you had to say wife," River muttered to him. She had been doing nothing but stare at Aragorn since his arrival.

Aragorn smiled at her. "River Song. A beautiful name for a bea-" He took another look at her attire, "for a fascinating lady."

She glared furiously at the Doctor.

Aragorn turned his attention back to the Doctor. "My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Tis a dangerous time for a healer to be wandering the wild plains of Rohan. However, since you and your lady are unarmed, I will trust you for now. I have urgent matters to deal with, but if I encounter you again I expect more information."

Him and his companions turned round once more, and rode towards the mound. The Doctor and River followed at a cautious pace, watching their actions carefully. They had disembarked from their steeds and were rooting frantically through the bodies. suddenly, the bearded one held something up. The Doctor couldn't make out what it was from the distance, but it seemed to infuriate the three of them, Aragorn in particular. He gave a yell that echoed across the plains and he furiously kicked a decapitated head as hard as it could.  
River had to duck as it came flying towards her.

* * *

Aragorn was on the brink of despair, when suddenly he saw something on the ground. His keen ranger senses of observation kicked in, and he was down on the ground before he knew it.

"A hobbit lay here," he murmured under his breath, "And another...here."

He carefully followed the scuff marks their crawling had left, found the horse prints one very closely avoided, discovered the severed rope.

"Tracks lead away from the battle," he said, his hope and excitement growing, "And into Fangorn Forest."

"Oh, bravo!" The Doctor had returned. "You are brilliant, absolutely brilliant. You remind me of this friend I knew once, fantastic at observation and deduction and all that stuff. I really should pay him a visit sometime."

Aragorn actually smiled. "Ah, the mysterious Doctor. I see you did take the chance to escape I gave you."

"Why would I? Everything interesting is happening right here. I mean, what is there to do over there?" He gestured the empty plain behind him. As he did, some tumbleweed rolled past. "Wow, that was creepily convenient. Anyway, you haven't even introduced my to your friends."

"Of course." He pointed at the short bearded fellow. "This is Gimli, son of Gloin". He gestured towards the pointed eared man(?) with blond hair. "And this is Legolas of the Woodland Realm."

River frowned. "Hang on, you introduced Gimli as 'son of' but you didn't specify with Legolas. No offence, but I'm not quite certain myself."

Aragorn and Legolas both opened their mouths, but they were both cut off by a high melodious voice. "Don't worry. He is most definitely the son of Thranduil."

A woman had walked out of the forest. She too had pointed ears, but her hair was golden and her face was narrow. She wore a brown and green practical dress, she had a quiver and bow strapped across her back and a narrow sword sheathed at her side. She smiled at Legolas.  
"Hello, brother."

* * *

**A/N: I base the setting of the adventure based on what I know best, for Harry Potter it's the books, and for Lord of the Rings it's the movies. (I have read the books several times, but I'm still more familiar with the movies). Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. I wrote all this in one sitting, and it is the longest chapter yet. How cool is that? Leave a review, and I will reply to it, provided it isn't anonymous. I still welcome anonymous reviews, I just can't reply to them.  
TwentyRings**


	5. Jealous Much?

**A/N: New chapters for both my stories! Huzzah! I'm an evil, evil person, who probably subconsciously introduced the concept of writing in varying degrees of Sue-speak simply because I'm too lazy to spell check. I do know how Warg is spelt.**

* * *

Aragorn's eyebrows shot straight up He stared at the strange woman for a long moment, then tore his eyes away from her and reluctanlty turned to Legolas  
"I don't remember you mentioning a sister."

"How could I not have mentioned her? My people consider my sister to be more fair than the living land of the Greenwood, and above all the jewels that lie beneath the earth."

"Quote stealer" Gimli muttered.

Aragorn beamed, "Of course, how could I forget about the beautiful..."

Legola's sister smiled "Lorielai"

Aragorn's smile grew wider. "Lorielai. A beautiful name for a beautiful lady." He strolled forth and kissed her hand gently.

"Alright, that does it!" River was furios. She marched over to Gimli. "Do you ever, ever remember _him_" She pointed at Legolas, "Mentioning _her_" she pointed at Lorelai "even once?"

Gimli frowned. "Nay, I do not actually."

Legolas was angry now, "How could you not remember my sister, whom I have mentioned even more times than you do your stomach?"

Gimli drew himself up to full height, looked Legolas straight in the shoulder and growled, "I suggest you take that this instant back, elf!"

"Don't 'elf' me, Dwarf!"

"Okay, that's enough of all that." The Doctor steped between the fighting duo. "You say you do remember, you say you don't, let's just agree to disagree, and River-" He made a stabbing gesture, and jerked his head in Lorielai's direction. She was sitting on the grass beside Aragorn, and laughing at something he had said. River nodded, grimly.

She slowly pulled one of several sporks out of her belt, and edged carefully towards the elf, who was now listening open mouthed to Aragorn's tale of his fight with twenty worgs. He somehow neglected to mention that it was actually twenty fights with one worg each time, but that obviously was'nt important.

River raised her fist with the spork in it, but as she did so the sunlight hit her sleeve and reflected into Aragorn's eyes, causing him to blink and look up. "What are you doing, Daughter of Song?" he asked.

"Oh, er... I was just going to ask Lorielai if she wanted something to eat. This white thing is for eating with. Very popular where I'm from."

Lorielai smiled. "Nay, I do not require such a tool. We are in the wild, we therefor eat lembas with our hands."

"You are very wise my lady" said Aragorn.

"Wait, hang on," The Doctor came up to Aragorn, who looked confused.  
"What do you wish me to hang on to?" he asked.

"Oh that's funny, very funny. Anachronistic phrases, always good for a laugh." The Doctor wasn't laughing. "Weren't we heading into the Forest to look for some friends of yours?"

"That is indeed true. We must not abandon Pippin and Sam."

"Don't you mean Pippin and Merry?" asked Gimli with a snort.

"Yes, thats what I said." Replied Aragorn. He looked at Lorielai. "I am afraid we must part ways, this is no place for a lady."  
River coughed loudly. Aragorn did not seem to hear as he continued. "Take my horse, and go whither you will with my heart."  
River mimed vomiting. Gimli chuckled, Legolas glared at them.

Lorielai smiled (again). "Fear not, I am capable of defending myself." She pulled out her bow, and faster than you can say "Oliver Barton Everdeen" she had shot four arrows into a nearby tree in an 'L' shape. A rumbling noise came from the tree, and it swung a branch at her. To River's disappointment, she ducked and the branch knocked over Gimli.  
Aragorn clapped, Gimli groaned as he rose and Legolas smiled and said, "You always were the better archar, were you not?"

* * *

As the group of 6 make their way through the forest, River walked behind with the Doctor.

"I completely agree with you. These Sues are evil." River muttered.

"Jealous much?" he asked. "It's _probably_ affecting you too. I can't be too sure, you might not need any help for that."

She glared, but continued. "It seems rather differrent from the last one though, don't you think?"

"It is actually. That one had far, far more raw power, but this one is clearly more skilled."

"How can you tell?"

"Look at the three of them. One looks and sees a sister he's spent his whole, very long life with. That takes up nearly all she has, and what's left goes into charming Aragorn."

"That doesn't require much does it? What about the short one? He doesn't seem to know, or care forher"

"That's the brilliance of it. She can't use him, so she doesn't try. Instead he can be the one who doubts her, making the other two defend her even more."

They moved on some more. Gimli found orc blood on some leafs.

* * *

"Stop!" Aragorn called from the front of the group after a while.  
He frowned for the first time in over an hour, having had nothing but a goofy grin on his face since Lorielai had started holding his hand.  
"I hear someone crying"

Sure enough, the sound of someone weeping could be heard from behind a nearby tree.

"Careful, it could be a trap of Saruman's" said Gilmi.

The group slowly moved around the tree. A young woman was huddled up, head in knees, crying. Though everyone else did not, the Doctor and River realised what she was wearing: black jeans, and a purple T-shirt with the logo of a popular 21st century earth band on it.

The woman, who couldn't be any older than 20, stood up as they approached. She looked directly at Aragorn and no one else as she said, "Hello, my name is Emily Jade Merryweather. I was at home, and I dont know ho I got here. Please helpme!" She proptly swooned into Aragorns arms, causing him to look around helplessly.

"Oh no" River muttrd. Now there are 2 of them."

* * *

**A/N: Review. Now. (Please)  
TwentyRings**


	6. Sensitivity Issues

**A/N: I really can't think of anything to say. How necessary is this note at the beginning? Oh, wait-I realised that I missed a chance to end off the last chapter with a Star Wars reference. Not being a criminal, I will fix that soon.**

* * *

"I was just...just reading this fabulos book when sudenly there was this sucky blue swirly thing, and when I say sucky I mean it sucked me in and it wasnt lame kind of sucky, but it actually was that too since..."

Emily Jade Merryweather's story seemed endless. However anytime someone tried to stop her Aragorn would glare at them in his authoritatrion manner, since he was a natural leader, and incredibly stern when necesary. The angriest person of the entire group, seemed to be Lorielai. Of all of them, she was glaring at Emily Jade Merryweather with the most ferocity... or was it actualy annoyance.

She suddenly strode forward, grabbed Emily Jade Merryweather by the arm and dragged her to a nearby corpse of trees. When Aragorn tried to follow, Lorielai glared at him, causing him to cower and back down, since as a natural leader he also knew when to let others take charge.

The Doctor slowly pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed at the trees where a hispered conversation was being initiated. Into the screwiver he plugged in a pair of earphones, and handed one to River.

"New feature I've been wanting to try." he whispered. She put the headphone in her ear, and she could hear Lorielai's and Emily Jade Merryweather's conversation clearly.

"-already got him, u can have the girly one." Lorielai was saying.

"no, why dont u take him." Emily Jade Merryweather replied.

"it would be wierd and difficult to unconvince him about who i am"

"what about the short one? or that weird one?"

'ew and double ew. Why are you even here? I said i would be here and youre always ruining things for me. This universe has probably the largest selection of times to rule, but you have always got to follow me around everywhere, havent you."

"fine, pretty boy is mine then."

As the dueo reapproached the group, the Doctor nudged River, "Do you think 'pretty boy' is me?"

She looked at him hard. "No."

"So there's no circumstance whatsoever in which _you_ would refer to me as 'pretty boy'?"

"Nope."

"Want to bet?"

"Fine. But other regenerations don't count."

"And... I retract aforementioned bet offer."

"Thought as much. Who did I call 'Pretty Boy' then? Seven? Ten?"

"Just stop. Please."

"It is Ten, isn't it? Oh, I am looking forward to that."

"Are you? Anyway, look, evil Sues are back."

Lorielai strolled towords Aragorn and put her arm around his. He smiled, and held out the other arm for Emily Jade Merryweather but she hawtily ignored him and went over to Legolas and into his pointy elfin ear she whisperd in a voice everyone could hear, "Im secretly very very depresed and lonely." Then she began sobbing into his shoulder.

Legolas's resulting expresion made Aragorn's smile look as bad as Gimli's scowl. Not nearly as bad as Rivers though.

* * *

"This forest is old. Very old." said Legolas in his deepest voice.

"Oh, tell me more." said Emily Jade Merryweather with a sigh

"Wait, hang on. Everyone stop." The Doctor had his earphones in and was pointing his screwdriver somewhere to the left of their path. "Anomalous sonic patterns."

Gimli sighed. "And what exactly does that mean?"

"Funny voices. On the count of three, no, five we see what's behind those trees. One, tw-"

Everyone had already gone. "Ah well. Geronimo."

* * *

"The Doctor blinked. "Well, it would seem that the other side is a big white light. And that was unintentionally philosophical."

A deep voice which made all other deep voices feel inadequate boomed out from the centre of the light.

**"You are on the trail of two young Hobbits. They crossed the River Isen-wait, why are there so many of you? Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, please move aside so I can see who everyone else is."**

"Were not affected by your witchcraft, Saruman!" shouted Aragorn defiently. "I am brave and strong and noone has any kind of power over me!"

"Actually, I think thats Gandalf." said Lorielai.

"Of course he is . Youre abolutly right." said Aragorn.

"Are you sure?" asked Gimli. "That big bright light would seem to be more White than Gray. And Gandalf died."

Lorielai gave an impaient sigh. "No, he isnt. I looked at the timeli-I mean I have really good eyesight."

"She does." chimed in Aragorn.

**"What are you babbling on about? Of course it's me, look." **The white light dimmed, and before them stood an old bearded man garbed in white robes and bearing a white staff. "It is I, Gandalf the White."

"Whew, very nice, incredibly subtle." said the Doctor. "But wait... no it can't be, could it be... Olórin, is that you?"

"That device in your hand... Doctor, is that you? Have you regenerated since we last met, old friend?"

"Oh, half a dozen times at least old friend. But you're one to talk. Picking up a few tricks from me, eh?"

Gimli frowned. "You do seem to have quite a few old friends Gandalf. Saruman, Bilbo, that bald fellow... now him too?"

"One day you may also join that list son of Gloin. But don't hold your breath.". Gandalf turned back to the Doctor. "So these ladies are your companions then? I can tell that you're getting older, they seem to be getting much younger. Speaking of which, that is an impressive outfit." he added, looking at River. The faintest of pink tinges appeared on her cheeks.

The Doctor smiled,"Oh, only River Song here is my companion. And by companion I mean wife. As for the other two..." he walked forward and had a whispered conversation with Gandalf, whose eyebrows shot straight up.

"Now those are eyebrows." said River, impressed.

"Aye, your lad's seem to be little more than a shadow." said Gimli with a smirk.

River glared at him. "They're sensitive."

Gandalf had finished his conversation, and he strode up to Aragorn.

"Tell me Aragorn, between us, what do you think of Legolas's 'sister'?"

"Oh, Lorielai is absolutely amazing, shes buetiful, she has amazing eyes, she is so talented, she has an amazing name, she-"

Gandalf held up a hand. "Enough." he said sharply. "Please, no more. Please."

The Doctor gave an ironic smile. "Proof enough? So what do we do?"

Gandalf turned gravely towards him. "We ride."

* * *

**A/N: The original title of this chapter was to be "A Sue on the arm is worth two in the copse", but it is inexplicably too long. Other news:**

**First of all, this arc should conclude in a chapter. Maybe two, max. Secondly, I've made a poll! Rejoice! Basically I want you to vote on whether I should write a summary before every chapter. Yes, I just wanted to make a poll. Thirdly, and infinitely more importantly, review. Now. Or later. Or now, later, and in between as well. TwentyRings, out.**


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